I enter college, which I chose with tears and pledge. My mom tell me that med student and joining the financial ministry is the only option to be success in this entire world. I don't want to be the part of my mom flexes during the family gathering about my major and want to prove that not only med student can be success, but another major can do it too (before I define what is success is).
In the end my mom let me chose my major, forestry. I enter Gadjah Mada University as Forestry Student. In the unstable financial conditions, my dad found me a good yet affordable Islamic boarding house in Yogyakarta, there I found my new family, Sulaimaniyah Student.
There many peopl call it turkey house, but some of us called it an holy prison. I'd rather call em home since they thot me a lot about managing my spiritual state, how relatives sins and good can be, and how a huge superpower can control your life trough momentums, sacrifice, understanding and living together in the same roof.
I had an unique experience about what so called expectation. I went to college with the mission that i can go abroad in student activt7, delegation, competition, and other stuff. I realize that I have no shortcuts. Then I met Vowas, the same age, batch, yet he is so lucky. He is in social major and went abroad to many countries while I didn't. The expectation roaring that its not fair, while you fight hard, but he just like no effort to achieve it, how pathetic.
My ego just gulped me and I feel like don't want to talk with him till entire semester. I don't know why, it just wrench me out. Until someday, he realize that something wrong with us, Alnus who actually talkative, and now never even have a single Hi to me (Vowas).
He ask me to sit together, he explain his past, his survival, his fights, his sacrifice, there I realize that he deserve, it. My expectation left me, didn't want to shoulder the feeling that he gave me at that time and run from his responsibility. There I accompanied my the other feelings, disappointment, self-blame. even my ego ran too. Lucky faith restore me and make me believe that your fight should continue.
IFSA, an organization that I expect give me that opportunity also seems that only give me a bitter experience too. In delegation process to South Africa, IFSA have two delegation. Me and Seren. The financial limitation pushed us to only choose one candidates, and the board director chose seren instead of me because of Performa. I wasted my another year tho. Cant be helped too. There expectation slice me again, ripped my heart into the bigger wound.
I wrapped my dream to go abroad, and i just want to continue my life.
I paved my way to be one of the lecturer in Gadjah Mada University. I've stayed here for more than 7 years, in the laboratory. I said to my supervisor that in the old day I want to teach here as lecture, but first, I want to wandering around Indonesia for private work, gathering connection, then comeback with networks and many collaborative research opportunity.
Again, a good offer came. Lecture offer me a faster lecture position, as soon as I finish my master degree this year.
At first, I repel the offer, I want to stick to my plan, rather than choosing it too soon. At the other hand, my parent pushed me really hard to help me take my degree. They helped me at the first 3 semester, then an financial aid come from my research grant to help my 4th semester. TBH, my expectation toward this degree is quite hi tho, but unfortunately the expectation didn't go as well as I expect to the institution. I had to look for my own self-development and I feel that I am prisoned here, this UGM, specially my lab, feel stagnant, without any self development that I can rely. No new skills meanwhile the tech out there are racing with the institution. I feel pathetic here. Although my parents is proud of my degree, my expectation refuse to be proud of it.
But I have one light...... (Part 3)
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